September 30. 2021
Trump's Traitors to Sue The Justice Department
An attorney for the January 6, insurrectionists announced today that the capitol attackers will file a class action law suit. The suit states that Trump's Traitors were actually there to enforce the law and the people dressed up like Capitol Police, were the real rioters in disguise. They say the police who testified are all actors and Pelosi knows it. One of the accused who stood next to the announcing attorney said, "Pelosi's a robot-pedophiliac." -A Redfield Pasquinade
Covid Burning Through Alabama
The vast majority in many proverbial red states appear to not be able to delineate the difference between herd thinning, herd mentality and herd immunity. The majority of America is beginning to look on the bright side of Covid since the news hit that the death rate has now surpassed the birth rate in Alabama.
-A Redfield Pasquinade
A Mother and Daughter, Nurses, Refuse Vaccines; Careers on The Line
Instead of getting a COVID-19 vaccine, a mother and daughter from Upstate New York plan to give up their jobs as nurses and form a coalition of nurses who have been pondering for almost a year whether they should get the now mandatory vaccines, keep their jobs and live or become refuseniks, lose their jobs and die. -A Redfield Pasquinade
September 29, 2021
GOP to Declare Moral Bankruptcy.
The Grand Old Republican Party is about to throw in the moral towel thanks to their ongoing, unethical treatment of constituents nationwide. especially during the Trump regime and the coronavirus pandemic.
“These are unprecedented times, and the only way we could continue forward is by declaring moral bankruptcy,” said GOP Senator Marsha Blackman. “I did it myself way back in high school...oh, never mind. What choice do we have? Allow the Democrats to show us for what we really are in hearings and what-not? Let our constituents know that we are just wanting to hang on to our pensions and we don't care about them? That would simply wreck our self-esteem.
"We literally have no choice but to declare to the world that we have no souls or empathy. There’s no other way.”
With Trump plummeting in the polls as his crimes become more known, they truly have no choice but to change absolutely nothing. -A Redfield Pasquinade
John Hinckley Jr. Reportedly Found At Mara Lago
Since John Hinckley's release, he has been spotted in numerous places around the globe, but most of the reports cite his appearances in fast food restaurants, motels and businesses around Mara Lago in Florida. He has been spotted in one vintage video rental store asking for copies of Silence of The Lambs, and other Jodi Foster films.
A poll of residents asking there opinion of the man who shot and wounded four people including President Ronald Reagan 40 years ago, living in the community surrounding Mara Lago. Only about 1/3 of the voting public could give a rat's as. -A Redfield Pasquinade
Faith-Healer Reverses Abortions
Soothsaying Faith Healer, Benny Hinn claims to have brought millions of aborted fetuses back to life.
He says that they were in the netherworld created by God just for them. He claims to have brought them back to life, one by one. "They got to see, for the first time, the world they were refused birth into," Hinn said. After experiencing this world, from Rev. Hinn’s point of view, for only a few moments, sadly, they, to a person, decided that they wished to remain aborted. -A Redfield Pasquinade
Are The Taliban Still In The Closet?
It has been long established that most Taliban members are male and not only find females undesirable but demand that they not show even one square inch of any part of their natural female form. Why? Many Taliban say females are not only undesirable but offensive to the human eye. Some even find female bodies disgusting.
One Afghanistan psychologist has studied this phenomena and has offended millions by speculating on the possibility that the majority of men attracted to the Taliban, may make up the largest gay group of men in the world.
In a related story, it has been discovered that, although Muslim law prohibits this natural orientation, some American soldiers coming back from Afghanistan have reported that there are, throughout Afghanistan, extremely secret 'gathering' places. Men's clubs exist with names which translate into English as The Manhole, Dicks, Choo-Choos, Loob, Peterand, Empty Closet, The Backdoor, and of course, Woody's. -A Redfield Pasquinade
September 28, 2021
Thousands of Spiritual Seekers Stymied.
A thousand or more people gathered to hear the words of Christ at the new Christian Celebrity Center on Hollywood Blvd., L.A. The minister started out with Matthew 18 : 8–9 where Jesus said, "So if your hand or foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away.
It’s better to enter eternal life with only one hand or one foot than to be thrown into eternal fire with both of your hands and feet.
And if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away.
It’s better to enter eternal life with only one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell."
The minister, said, "These are the very words of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ." He heard an echo in his words, looked up and the center was absolutely empty. -A Redfield Pasquinade
Disgraced, Losing ex-Prez contemplating Sex Change.
Oxy-laden lips are buzzing in and around Mara Lago regarding rumors that the disgraced ex-President is contemplating a sex change operation so he can run and possible become the first female president.
He has never won an election by the majority vote of any people.
Also, if he is not able to cheat his way to the presidency again, as the the years go by, he will have at least one p***y left to grab, again and again to his heart's desire.
Given the level of the deep, pathologic narcissism he has been diagnosed with, it should prove to be the most delightful time of his life. -A Redfield Pasquinade
Empty Store Shelves, Not Empty At All.
You may have noticed emptier shelves for various products, more than usual at your big box stores, as well as some Mom and pops. Well, according to one retailer association, they're not really emptying at all. It's apparently just science folks. They say the universe is just expanding. -A Redfield Pasquinade
You Just Don’t Know What’s Inside These Vaccines, Says Anti-Vaxxers Who Feed Their Children Manufactured Chemical and a Myriad of Junk Ingredients.
AntiVaxxers who eat and feed their children chicken nuggets made from pig snouts and cow anuses each day, say they are not taking the vaccine because they are unsure of its ingredients.
Picking up many orders of Chicken nuggets for the whole family on the way to an anti-vaxxer protest, a mother of four said, “You just don’t know what they put in those vaccines,” her greasy chin, chomping up and down on a nugget which is only legally required to have 17% chicken parts. It can include up to 81% of any part of up 19 different animals including monkeys and small cuddly puppies.
A famished witch from Hansel and Gretel fame, refused to eat the children, saying, "No thank you. I'm good." -A Redfield Pasquinade
September 27, 2021
New Christian Casual Sex Hookup Site
A new Christian oriented swingers site is coming online soon. It’s called BackSliders and its for Christian couples.
Christians get horny too.
They do not consider it a marriage vow violation because there are no secrets. Caring Christian couples do it together with other couples or separately but with mutual permission from their mates.
For those who feel it may be a tiny violation of their faith, There is an optional prayer gathering online that they can attend 24/7 as a sort of group confession and forgiveness session which sometimes itself leads to mutual video-sex, followed by yet another forgiveness session which leads to more sex ad-infinitum -A Redfield Pasquinade
College Course: Breakthrough In Gender Studies at Berkeley
NJT is reporting a rumor from a qualified source that the University Of California, Berkeley will offer, starting in the winter of 2022, a new research-based class, Gender Issues Throughout The Vertebrates.
It’s primary purpose is to explore the possibility and plausibility that gender issues exist in all vertebrates as they do in humans. The source stressed that “this endeavor is in no way to be confused with it’s ill-attended course, Species Displacement Issues in Primates. -A Redfield Pasquinade
Anti-Vaxxers New Formula.
A new ritual is recommended by anti-vaxxers. . It goes like this. If you refuse the vaccine, wish real hard, run around a tree then kiss both knees, you can then die knowing you did your very best to avoid the one thing proven to save your life, save pain and suffering to your family, loved ones and your community. Their new mantra:Reality is Fake. -A Redfield Pasquinade
September 26, 2021
STEPHEN MILLER, ENTREPRENEUR
Former executive branch regime advisor Stephen Miller is starting a new MLM clothing line of 1940's Vintage-looking uniforms that really have that Reicht-likelook. They are receiving applications ONLY from those who consider themselves truly leichtgläubig, Verlierer, Rassist, Trottel. -A Redfield Pasquinade
New Group"Tools For Trump.
A new Trump organization scam is rumored to be in the works. Mailers have been sent out to most of the 70 Million people who voted for him and the message is effectively, an annual test for your loyalty.
The membership fee is only ten dollars... annually. If successful, the trump organization stands to scam its 70,000,000 followers out of another $700 Million annually.
So, for ten dollars you too can become a Tool for Trump.
That's $10. a year. That's up to $700 Million, year after year after year...
He'll be laughing all the way to bankruptcy court.
And yes, it is actually called Tools for Trump. If you consider yourself a Trump tool like he thinks you are, I think you're going to love this.-A Redfield Pasquinade
September 25, 2021
Huge Hopes From New GOP For New Party Platform.
Our reporting states that the Trump years was just a test run. Now the new Trumplican platform is short, not sweet, yet complete and to the point. In one paragraph, the party is dedicated to continuous re-election by doing the exact opposite of what is good for their voters. Their goal is to succeed at doing everything wrong. This guarantees them 100% success with their base. 100% success spells, for them, continuous re-election. Who could argue with that (and why bother)? -A Redfield Pasquinade
Final report from partisan Arizona review, Biden Won, BIGLY
FOX - Arizona Republican Ninja group reports that Biden defeated Trump in Arizona more than they originally counted. Trump responded that this just proves that Biden cheated bigger than ever...y'know...BIGLY. -A Redfield Pasquinade
According to MSNBC this morning, The state is suffering the highest rate of new Covid infections among the staggering number of unvaccinated-by choice-citizens. However, Mississippi churches assure the country that 100% of the state's 3 million residents are Christian and constantly in prayer, most likely everything's going to be A-OK.-A Redfield Pasquinade
September 24, 2021
REVEALED: God Himself-Crush On Watts
According to NJT sources, God report that he has had a secret crush on Naomi Watts for years. He claims to have created her but over the years, kind of lost track. Then he saw David Lynch's Mullholland Drive and when faced with the question point plank he responded, "Come on. Mullholland Drive? As Betty Elms? Are you kidding me? Vavoom!
On another story involving God, he said the Leviticans were looney tunes. There was something in their water. We have always allowed Lesbians in Heaven. Gay men however... it's coming along. I feel a bit funny about it still. An abomination? I wouldn't call it that. Remember, Leviticans were a tad bonkers. -A Redfield Pasquinade
Covid Still A Mystery To Some.
The families of 2000 American Anti-Maskers and anti vaxxers were brought together to share how their former loved ones got the virus and how it could have been avoided. The result was just a lot of shoulder shrugging. The theme got lost when the discussion turned to smoker's rights. -A Redfield Pasquinade
September 23, 2021
GOP APPROVED COVID MASK
The Trumplican party has finally approved a Covid Mask, which consists of air tight edges, top and bottom, left and right, 1000 threat count 20 ply material, completely reusable and never needs cleaning *
Vermont partners With Netherlands, Cash Rewards For Texas Abortions.
In a rare collaboration, Vermont state in America has partnered with The Netherlands to pay cash rewards for anyone sued in Texas by the new vigilante law.
Here's how it will work. The defendant will be awarded $20,000 plus attorney's fees plus, she will be fully financed in any effort she pursues to countersue the plaintiff for bringing a frivolous lawsuit.
Said one Netherlands spokesperson, "Det vil vise de jævlene"-A Redfield Pasquinade
September 22, 2021
Ex-Prez Sues His Own Niecey.
Trump is suing Mary Trump, his niece for over $100 million.
Mary Trump admits that she did say, publicly that Trump is a f**king loser. The problem is that many years ago, she signed a non-disclosure agreement that she would not release the information that he is a f**king Loser to the public.
Of course. We all have our relatives do that. Right?
It must be understood that his own relatives revealing to the public that he is a f**king loser should not be misconstrued with his own Cabinet members calling him a f**king Moron.-A Redfield Pasquinade
Tucker Carlson: The Corona Virus Vaccines Can Tell If You love Jesus.
Editor's note: It is rare that I can provide satire and/or parody by simply printing an exact quote. but here it is.
Tucker Carlson just said, "The point of mandatory vaccinations is to identify
1. Sincere Christians…
2. Free Thinkers
3. Men with high testosterone levels and
4. Anyone that does not like Joe Biden".
I am sitting blubbering my lips up and down with my finger. -A Redfield Pasquinade
Texas' abortion ban architect taking aim at 'homosexual behavior'
After initial victories eviscerating women’s constitutionally protected rights, Texas Trumplicans have already, explicitly moved on to attacking LGBTQ rights. One member raised the question, "Why don't we do something worthwhile with this trend we have going , like guns?" He was instantly sodomized, liked it, shared a joke about becoming pregnant and is now being sued by his rapists for $10,000 each.-A Redfield Pasquinade
September 21, 2021
BIDEN, "We've ended 20 years of conflict in Afghanistan...
...And as we close this period of relentless war, we're opening a new era of relentless diplomacy."
These words were spoken yesterday by the president as he addressed the United Nations. Congress came to a halt, at least on the Republican side. That of course includes moderate Republicans, Senators Sinema and Manchin.
Everything they had been avoiding work on this week was wiped off the proverbial tables. Here, almost 24 hours later, still, no one can figure out how to direct their financial representatives, by what method they can make money off diplomacy. -A Redfield Pasquinade
The Pillow Guy Now Predicts Turkey Will Retake Power On Turkey Day.
Mike Lindell, The "Pillow Guy", is almost as bonkers as his hero. First he says will make the Supreme Court reinstate Trump as President by last June, "Guaranteed" Then July, then August, then September, now he says the ex-turkey will be back in the office by, appropriately, Thanksgiving.
After all this, the man still has followers and supporters. NJT wondered what kind of people these were. Our reporting shows, among the Lindell supporters, exactly 97% of them own at least one 'magic' pillow and a minimum 26 extended car warranties...each. -A Redfield Pasquinade
Florida's DeSantas Turns Tricks for Halloween
NJT has not been able to acquire details yet, but sources close to DeSantas of Florida, state that he is threatening to make it illegal-next month only-to give Halloween goodies to any Trick or Treaters wearing a mask.
Sources close to the story quote him, "We have to stop this insanity."
(More news any moment) -A Redfield Pasquinade
September 20, 2021
Is Former Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, now, calling Trump a F**king Moron?
In a recent interview he was asked to characterize his former boss and he reportedly said, "Look, It was challenging for me, coming from the disciplined, highly process-oriented Exxon Mobil corporation, to go to work for a man who is pretty undisciplined, doesn’t like to read, doesn’t read briefing reports, doesn’t like to get into the details of a lot of things.
"Let me be crystal clear. Regardless of my personal thoughts on the man, I do not believe that I ever uttered the words, F**king Moron, out loud, in reference to Trump. The more we talk about this, whether I said Trump is a F**king Moron or I didn't say Trump is a F**king Moron, the reporting spreads like wildfire and all the public hears is Trump is a F**king Moron, Trump is a F**king Moron, Trump is a F**king Moron.
"Even if I thought Trump was a F**king Moron, I would have kept it to myself, you know, that he is a F**king Moron. I would never shout it from the rooftops.
Trump is a F**king Moron.
Trump is a F**king Moron.
Trump is a F**king Moron.
Trump is a F**king Moron.
Trump is a F**king Moron."
Tillerson sat back down in his chair and continued, "You know, if you say that enough times, sooner or later people will start thinking that Trump is a F**king Moron."
Book- Coming Soon
How To Avoid Embarrassing Questions at Holiday Gatherings
by Prince Andrew-A Redfield Pasquinade
Global Climate-Change Marches Spell Dangers.
As well meaning as the totality of climate-change ralliers around the globe are, because of the mobility and all the shouting that will happen, millions of gathered enthusiasts will emit literally tons of extra carbon monoxide through breathing as well as methane from other sources.
Hopefully they will be protected by masks to ward off Covid and reduce their own CO2 emissions but also to filter some of the methane... pants.-A Redfield Pasquinade
September 19, 2021
Trump, Gaetz and Prince Andrew in Secret Talks?
Yup, Sources say rumor has it that they are forming an international support group for pedophiles, mainly for procurement and legal fees. During the meeting, on zoom, Gaetz joked that Trump should make Nikki Minaj his running mate in 2024. They all laughed and then Trump allegedly added, "Hey guys, you can laugh, but if she was 30 years younger." Ghislaine Maxwell, who was taking notes by phone from her quarantined jail cell was heard to mutter, "That's what she said." They all laughed and sources say it was like a joyous, wonderful reunion. -A Redfield Pasquinade
Governor Abbott (TX) to Propose New Vigilante Suicide Law
Texas Governor Bud Abbot is considering a new law proposed by his Republican lawmakers in which private citizens can sue anyone even considering suicide in the great state of Texas. The holdup in the legislature is the question, should it apply to people considering suicide from both, or just one party.-A Redfield Pasquinade
...today called for an intensive investigative committee to look into his own party, both in Congress as well as the senate.
He is allegedly quoted as saying, " For far too long, there have been rumors and innuendos. If they turn out to be true, let the chips fall where they may. We must no longer tolerate any ethical behavior in these two venerated houses. -A Redfield Pasquinade
September 19, 2021
Sinema and Manchin Constituents React.
Arizona and West Virginia constituents of Senators Sinema and Manchin respectively, have held a contest of sorts to come up with the best suggestions for the two controversial senators to aid them in deciding how to vote when stalemates arrive in the future. The winner in both Arizona and West Virginia was surprising, but only to the few who aren't familiar with the two state's general population. The majority suggested that Manchin and Sinema, before making any major decisions, visit this website. -Redfield
FRANCE HOSPITALIZED FOR IMPACTED BOWEL.
France is in-hospital for what
doctors suspected to be an impacted bowel. It was so massive and severe, the problem could not be clearly identified with x-rays. A series of PET scans, MRIs and finally CAT Scans, revealed that what was lodged was Australia-Redfield
Americans willing to give up right to vote
A new poll conducted by the for profit PAC, Trumplicans for Trump just conducted a Queeniepac poll, finding that 34% of Americans were willing to give up their right to vote in exchange for a one-year subscription to HULU.-Redfield
September 18, 2021
Ancient Christian artifacts found by American Pilgrimage
Three churches from American states, Arkansas, Alabama and Arizona sponsored a joint pilgrimage to newly discovered Galilean Caves and discovered, in long-buried, very thick enclosed, sealed clay pots, manuscripts documentation Christ's sermons dating as far back as 3700 B.C. -Redfield
A Brand New Bag For Ivanka's Collection?
Wendi Deng, after divorcing 90 year-old Rupert Murdock, which baffled everyone (NOT), went on to allegedly date Vladimir Putin for a period of time. After healing and months of physical therapy in a secret location in Siberia, Deng appears to be back walking again with her still-swollen eyes focused on different horizon$.
Seen together here in Croatia. Ivanka Trump herself posted the photo of the two of them on Instagram rubbing more than shoulders. As yet, no comment has been posted by Jared. -Redfield
Future J6 Rally attendance promises
to be "bigger and better once my fellow traitors serve out their sentences," says the person who did show up. Trump himself estimate the one-man crowd at 1,000,000
September 17, 2021
Democrats To Balance the Budget
Press Secretary Jen Psaki announced today the Biden "I Believe In Miracles" plan to tax false prophets. If they pay, in two years it will balance the budget. All you have to do is believe with all your heart. -Redfield
KABUL - Confusion in Paradise
Secretly gay suicide bomber candidate has trouble understanding how 72 virgins is an incentive. -Redfield
Keven MacCarthy exited Trumpland along with four staff members, all looking a tad disheveled, after a fifteen minute audience with his hero today and said, "We will be offering a new bill in Congress that will propose the total privatization of the Democratic Party. Trump will run it like a business and sooner or later, kaput.
September 16, 2021
POPE FRANCIS GETS ANGRY AT REPORTER'S QUESTION.
Pope Francis in a press spray today seemed upset at one reporter's question. When asked, "Your Excellency. There are rumors that you tried your hand at Fantasy Football for the first time this year. How did that go? The pontiff turned beet red and spouted, "Shut the front door." I tried and I tried but I realized I finally found something more boring than giving midnight freaking mass. With that, he swirled his 2000 thread-count white robe and left the room wailing, "Cheese and Crackers." -Redfield
FOX NEWS LOADED WITH HYPOCRACY
Calling Covid a hoax, anti-vax advocating Fox has been found to require Covid Vaccines for every single staff member including all hosts as well as daily testing and almost every female show-host has to look as identical as possible; Blonde Hair, blue eyes, have all their front teeth. Fox female anchors responded by stating, "That's not entirely true," and they said it all in unison. -Redfield
NETWORKS ANNOUNCE POSSIBLE COMPETITOR TO COMPETE AGAINST THE BATCHELOR
Introducing The Widower
The series revolves around a single widower who begins with a pool of romantic interests (widows) from whom he is expected to select an Assisted Living Partner.
During the course of the season, the widower eliminates candidates (if they don’t die first), each week eventually culminating in a "will you be my partner" proposal to The Widower's final selection.
The participants travel to numerous not-so-exotic assisted living facilities for their dates, and the conflicts in the series, both internal and external, stem from the elimination or deaths of the romantic interests. -Redfield
September 15, 2021
A PHOTO WAS RECENTLY PUBLISHED THAT MORPHED ADOLF HITLERS FACE WITH THAT OF THE EQUALLY ATTRACTIVE MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE. THIS IS THE KIND OF PHOTO EDITING THAT WE HAVE TO STAY AWAY FROM NO MATTER HOW IT SATIRIZES OR PARODIES ONE'S BEHAVIOR OR STATED/ IMPLIED BELIEFS. IT'S TOO...ON THE NOSE. -Redfield
SENIOR BUDHISTS SECRET TO BE UNAFFECTED BY INSTAGRAM BODY IMAGE DILEMMA.
Young people could learn a thing or two for senior Buddhists about body image. Even though they exercise and eat healthy, the abs just aren't there. One said, "It's simple. The Buddha teaches not to give a shit, so....we don't. -Redfield
NEW TRUMPLICAN GERRYMANDERING/REDISTRICTING SCHEME.
The Grand Old Party has taken The Big Cheat to a new and powerful level. What they call 'improved' redistricting guidelines will now be drawn not by county, or neighborhoods, but by each person...individually, known Trumplicans. Their digital footprints via their cell phones will be the new red-lining endeavor by a party known for it's exclusionary policies which some still believe will make America great again.
September 14, 2021
BIG CHANGES IN AMERICA'S DRIVING EXAMS.
A decision was handed down by the 9th district court that, because of the many challenges people have before applying for driving tests, coast to coast, the actually driving test will no longer score any points nor demerits for parallel parking, going in reverse or steering. -Redfield
GOP BUSINESS AFFAIRS DEEP DOWN IN THE CRAPPER.
As the GOP/Republican/Trumpian party has been managing its affairs in the manner Trump has been over many decades under the guise of making something great again, it has now been declared totally unable to manage its own affairs in any sane manner. A federal judge has now ordered the Grand Old Party's business affairs will now be managed by Britney Spears Father. -Redfield
Gen 2 Fiance Thinks He Has A Handle On This
Fiance of missing woman, who became missing while physically with him is hiding from police. He returned home without her and apparently sees no reason why everyone is upset. He also is allegedly hiding from police interrogators like he thinks if he hides, after a few weeks, it'll all blow over and the cops will just forget about him.
September 13, 2021
Rep. Andrew Clyde, R-Ga. downplays 9/11
Rumors are that his office announced his opinion of 20th anniversary of 9/11 as, he is perplexed at all the hubbub.
Planes have to make emergency landings all the time. It was just another day in American aviation. -Redfield
Republican Senate Leaders Recommend China
U.S. Republican Senate Nimrods suggest money saving move to have new immunity passports red in color and printed in China. Red being the same color as the Republican party color as well the Chinese Flag, they say, is just a coincidence.
ANTIVAXXERS CARRING VAX CARDS?
In a stunning revelation it has come to the attention of this reporter that a larger percentage than realized of sign-carrying, protesting AntiVaxxers have been found to possess Vaccine cards proving they have been vaccinated. The headquarters of the organization in Portland, Oregon now requires proof of vaccinations for entrance as well as mask requirements while on the premises. No one would make themselves available for comment -Redfield
September 12, 2021
CHAMBER OF COMMERCE NAMES SINEMA-MANCHIN THE BEST.
In a ceremony at the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, Monday evening, among many awards going to people and corporations for effective manipulation of customers to increase margins while delivering less and less product or services, Senators Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema received awards naming them the best corporate friendly Republicans in the Democratic party for 2021. -Redfield
Prince Andrew finally has been found and served in the suit alleging he had sex with a minor.
The legal papers were served in the normal manner by the proper authorities, not by 18 year tennis star Emma Raducanu as previously reported by unscrupulous news outlets. -Redfield
MORE-ON ON PRINCE ANDREW
Rumors suggest Andy, as his look-alike Mum calls him, has a main concern that if convicted, no matter what the sentence, how his welfare checks may or may not be affected, whether he can go on living off the backs of English subjects in the custom his and his lay-about family has done for centuries.-Redfield
A.C.L.U. objects to cruel and unusual punishment that 66% of Americans approve of as punishment for January 6 traitors. The punishment in dispute is that anyone fully convicted by the courts has to listen to Abba's "Dancing Queen, at least one time but, all the way through." -Redfield
September 11, 2021
NATIONAL EMOJI CONTEST, A TIE
The American Emoji Association has completed it's contest and it has a winner. This years contest was for contestants to come up with an emoji for people to use to describe-in emoji shorthand-America's Covid plan for 2021-2022. It shows an emoji figure hitting it's head with a large mallet. -Redfield
POPE FRANCESCO VISTIS FATIMA
The pope visited Fatima in a pilgrimage to remind the thousands in attendance and the millions via television and the internet around the world to heed Mary's message, "Say the rosary, pray and worship cement."
After many centuries of this, millions still buy into it and yet, we are still wondering (somehow) how anyone can believe crazy theories like QAnon the Republican platform and such. Editor's note: Some experts call it Hook-in-Mouth disease
September 10, 2021
PROOF OF NOT BEING VACCINATED NOW A REQUIREMENT AT ALL GOP CONVENTIONS AND CONFERENCES.
Starting immediately the GOP is requiring all attendees to bring proof that they were not vaccinated against any variance of the Covid virus.
The decree also stated that it helps if you wear red and never touch or come near any of the leadership.
The only reponse we have had from the leadership to our inquiries is an emphatic denial that this is, in any manner, part of their massive campaign to identify the most stupid people in America and to garner their votes for a lifetime. -Redfield
TALIBAN/GOP TAKEOVER IN 2025-DILEMMA
(Depicted) February 2025 meeting in which new GOP/Republican party rejoices in their successful coast to coast book burning, but are left with the dilemma on what to do with all the empty bookshelves. -Redfield
THE ACCOMPLICE was created by a famous American family of grifters for American television. The show features fourteen to eighteen tainted business people who compete over the course of a season, with usually one contestant wacked per episode. Contestants are split into two racketeering teams, with one member from each volunteering as a project primary henchman on each new crime. The teams complete criminal-related tasks such as selling products that don't exist, raising money for phony charities or creating an advertising campaign of disinformation, with one team or gang, as the winner, based on crooked measures and subjective opinions of the host and his advisors who monitor the teams' performance on nefarious tasks. The losing team of gangster's attends a meeting with the show's host and their advisors to break down why they lost and determine who contributed the least to the the crimes they committed. Episodes end with the host eliminating one contestant from the competition, with the words "You're disloyal and a loser!"
September 09, 2021
"W", "TIME TO STRIKE IS NOW"
Some said he was showing unusually rapid signs of aging as George W. Bush announced yesterday that we should go after Hussein with Shock and Awe as our theme. A few remnants from the old and tattered Trump regime were quick to respond all over Twitter with, To(sic) soon".
ANTIVAXXERS MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING HERE.
A fifty-year Cleveland study has been alledgedy completed where American Antivaxxers Inc. has released a statement that "...all or most Americans who received the polio vaccine between 1950 and 1980 are showing signs of mild to severe aging.
BEER TASTING BEER. ARE YOU SERIOUS?
A millennial owned coalition of craft beer makers across America turned down an idea put forth by one of their younger members who suggested, "Hey, I know. Why don't we make a beer that actually tastes like beer." She was turned down by over 90% of the voting members. Their reasonings, "We were brought up on Tonka trucks and that's why we drive Tonka-looking trucks and cars and then there's Kool-Aid flavors and all the flavored cereals we were brought up on. Its like if someone had an idea for a new cereal that actually tastes like...uhm...cereal. Accept it and grow"-Redfield
September 08, 2021
Qanon's got a brand new bag
Now that diehard Qanon conspiratorialists are lining up to take what they labeled, the mark of the beast, some of the millions of members are finding camaraderie in a new group that are valiantly fighting for American's right to spit.
One member said with a grin as she wiped off her chin, "If my mouth was a hose...Oh, I don't know. Damn Ivermectin."-Redfield
FIRST SENIORS TO TAKE IVERMECTIN, EXPRESS DEEP DESIRE TO BE PUT OUT TO PASTURE
WORLDWIDE PRAYER CHAIN FOR JOEL OSTEEN
A prayer chain that has now spread all over the world, is ongoing 24/7 for multi-billionaire, preacher of God-like piety, Joel Osteen. The prayers going up to Osten's heavenly father ask that he (Osteen) be able to fully open both, something that has affected him since birth. -Redfield
September 07, 2021
FOX NEWS INCORPORATES MANDATORY COVID VACCINES OR BE FIRED FOR ALL BUT, GUESS WHO?
Fox News, although cablecasting 24/7 of the impotence of free choice when it comes to Covid Vaccines (not women’s rights) has for some time made it mandatory for over 2000 of its employees to have what they call vaccine passports, to ensure continuing employment. Ironically, mum’s the word in all Fox studios, including affiliates on the decree leaving out every single illegal alien who has crossed the borders and works for them since Fox’s inception. This one exception numbers into the millions. No one at Fox News has returned our calls of inquiry.-Redfield
Robot Joe Exposed
Long rumored about but never proven, President Joe Biden does have a duplicate and it is a robot, affectionately referred to by handlers as Robot Joe or RJ for short. Recently they were seen by reporters seated side by side. President Biden rehearses his speeches with RJ and RJ repeats them back to the President but without the stutters. The President says of RJ, “I really like the guy. He is programmed with my entire life history so he tells me of old times and I see if I can remember them.” First lady Jill Biden says she can’t tell them apart except when I get really close. “RJ smells better.” Vice President Harris agrees.-Redfield
ARE HUNDREDS OF SOCIAL MEDIA MEMES WRONG?
We have all known there are many, many white women in Congress for years now. No one knows why, but many on social media are referring to these people who make laws as ‘old white men’. As in, “We are sick and tired of laws pertaining to women made by old white men.” Clearly, to most of us, these women aren't and don't even look like old white men-well not all-so, many are confused as to why social media has gone so far as to refer to these women in this manner. A Facebook spokesperson said, “We are trying to identify the perpetrators of these memes and when we do, we will take them down. We looked at the same pictures of women in Congress and all of us at Facebook see women. They’re kind of old, yes, to us, you know, so, most of them, but they’re certainly not men...no offense. -Redfield
SENATOR MARSHA BLACKBURN AND HER NEW BLACK FRIENDS
Republican Senator Marsha Blackburn from Tennessee, poses at what her office swears was a NAACP gathering, with her new black friends. It was not an NAACP gathering and there were no black people in attendance. Not one. Blackburn, who has long been labeled one of the most racist politicians in America, denies this, saying of the gathering, “Look at all my black friends and my family has always loved southern fried chicken followed by a big chunk of cool, Tennessee-grown watermelon. My friends pronounce it ‘wautymelon. Bless their little hearts”-Redfield
September 06, 2021
TRUMP TO COME TO NEW YORK CITY’S RESCUE.
The office of the disgraced, former, twice-impeached president announced today that he will help the upper east coast dry out from Ida aftermath flooding. He will be bringing several rolls of paper towels to help sop up the water. His trip will be announced ahead of time so residents can line up and play catch. Trump said, “They love it. It’s fun for me. I've always loved throwing things at shithole people. It’s the right thing to do.-Redfield
NO MORE TWO-LEGGED VOTING
The governors of Florida, Texas and Georgia move to ban two-legged voting but only in select districts which are yet to be designated. According to our sources, the new structure may be in place for some voters by next election time. However, they caution the public, “If you haven’t received notice pertaining to your district, then you haven’t been selected yet. There is a possibility that you will be able to vote next time but if everything goes as planned, the SS will be in place by then and you won’t have to worry about any of these pesky voting restrictions ever again. -Redfield
MARJORIE TAYLOR-GREEN FEELS LIKE “I’m in kindergarten again. I love it.”
In the hollowed, stately and well appointed halls of Congress, the history and solemnity of it all can sometimes be overwhelming until you come to office number 1023. There, like elementary school displays, Greene has posted a full 17 feet of “fan mail” pasted floor to ceiling on the hallway walls. Green said, “I am so grateful for all the beautiful letters I receive everyday from great people all over America! It’s the nicest welcome back to my office in DC seeing some of them right at the front door. Thank you for your prayers and support! It takes me back to my kindergarten days where I gathered the most important knowledge that I use every day in government.
September 05, 2021
DESANTAS AND ABBOTT TIE FOR FIRST PLACE. TRUMP MIFFED.
Governor DeSantas of Florida and Governor Greg Abbott of Texas tied, to a single vote in America’s Biggest Bunghole of the year award.
Former President Trump, tweeted in his incognito Twitter Account (Under the name of Adolpho Hitlerio) "They cheated;" I he won bigly. What's a bunghole? He said, “A lot of people are saying, thousands and even more. A lot of people.” -Redfield
PRINCE ANDREW IN HIDING-HOLDING HIS OWN UNTIL DECEMBER 7. - Apparently, under The Hague Convention, lawyers for former under-age prostitute, Virginya Pfluffer who claims she was forced to have sex with Andrew on three occasions in 2001, must present U.S. lawsuit legal papers to English Royalty Prince Andrew in person by December 7, 2021, or the case will collapse. Prince Andrew vehemently denies all allegations made against him, is allegedly hiding out in a dorm room at an all-girls prep school until his freedom party on December 8 and wants to know if there’s any chance he can get his 2001 money back. -Redfield
September 04, 2021
REPUBLICANS ARE LOCKED AND LOADED
It appears millions of dollars have been spent by the Republican party to reassure its constituents that they are right on target and keeping up with times. Rand Paul was announced to be the head of the most important agenda going into the new year. “We are ready to handle whatever comes down the pike from this Y2K bug."-Redfield
AMY'S GOWNS TO HIT THE MARKET
Supreme Court Justice Amy Barrett is said to be readying her signature line of Colorful Burqas to be sold in Texas and eventually throughout the country as she helps the court move one more step toward removing woman's rights and ensuring America will eventually be controlled by Autocratic Orthodox Pseudo-Christian zealotry.-Redfield
COVID THANKS HELPERS
All Covid variants would like to sincerely thank all the dedicated anti-vaxxers, anti-maskers and general humans-against-good-health-practices, for it’s phenomenal success throughout the planet. “It is a scientific fact that we could not have succeeded without you. Keep up the good work.”-Redfield
September 03, 2021
TRUMP GETS CAUGHT GRABBING A HOLE-IN-ONE
Former President Trump claims he scored yet another hole-in-one while golfing alone yesterday. He proclaimed victoriously that he did it, "...only using my hands." A secret service woman who asked not be identified, said, Actually, he did it using only one hand, three fingers to be exact. This guy"-Redfield
September 02, 2021
Marjorie Taylor Greene Meets With High I.Q. Group
U.S. representative for Georgia's 14th congressional district Majorie Taylor Greene met with members of Mensa recently to have a conversation on education and the Critical Race Theory. She started out what became a stump speech with, "A lot of people literally laugh at me when I say, I love menses. She ended by saying, "In my opinion, it's high time for Afghanistan to secede from the union."-Redfield
OSCAR DE LEHOYA FIGHT A GO
While no date has been set, demand is sky-high for tickets to the impending fight between Oscar De Lehoya and The Variant at Madison Square Garden.-Redfield
September 01, 2021
NEW OUTFITS FOR DALLAS COWBOY CHEERLEADERS
Texas governor Abbott has suggested new outfits for the Dallas Cowgirls designed after Elizabeth Moss's wardrobe worn in The Handmaids Tale while middle-aged to older male fans are urged to wear new T-Shirts patterned after Jackson Pollock's paintings. You just cannot even see the multiple stains sustained after devouring all the gourmet selections available at the games. -Redfield